Wednesday, April 11, 2012

An Open Letter to Cracker Jack

Dear Cracker Jack,

Do you see the picture above? DO YOU SEE IT? It just happens to be the worst Cracker Jack prize in the history of your company. The paper said it was a pencil topper. My pencil broke the flimsy paper. That, sir, is hardly a pencil topper. It is a piece of paper with a hole in it. How dare you insult me with your crappy prize.The pencil part of the paper doesn't even match my actual pencil! The colors aren't even close!  You should be paying me to take that horrible thing off your hands. 

While we are at it, can we please discuss the image on my (insert sigh) "pencil topper". What in the hell is it? Are they suppose to be bees? Flies? Wasps? I'm not even gonna get into what I think they are doing. Let's just say, shame on you for putting such images on a kids' prize. 

Why do you hurt me so? I remember the days when I would open up my box of Cracker Jacks and find the coolest prizes ever. I would make charm bracelets out of the charms. I would play pinball on the little pinball games. Your tattoos are the reason I am surly like a pirate and not like a caveman. You made it so kids could live out little adventures with a small toy. Now, oh Cracker Jack, now you just make little children cry. Do you like hurting little kids and adults? When did you lose your love for the job? Do you need a hug? I need one after that crappy pencil topper. 

I'm giving you another chance Cracker Jack, but only because your popcorn is so good. Please restore my faith in humanity.  Give us back our charms, whistles, pinball games and tattoos. I beg you, Cracker Jack!

Thank You in Advance,


Poppy (xperimentl) said...

This is a much needed blog post. I agree that the new Cracker Jack prizes royally suck. They shouldn't even be allowed to call them "prizes." It gets even more depressing when you open box after box in a multipack only to find the same lame pieces of paper in each one. It makes me sad.

LimeRiot said...

What are those bee-flies doing?!?! Dirty! You should start a petition. I'd sign it! I was also recently JACKED by a lame cracker jack prize.

HSG said...

It needed to be said, and you said it perfectly and to the point.

Nichola said...

Here! Here! (or is it hear? hear?) Either way, that is indeed the worst prize ever! I'd rather have a blank bit of paper so that I could at least enjoy creating my own dirty bee picture. BASTARDS!

Jody said...

I could not agree with you more! Long time ago, when I was but a youngster, one of my cousins had a bag full of Cracker Jack prizes and we all coveted them sorely and went green with envy every time she brought them out.
Nothing even worth collecting in Cracker Jacks now days.

JLVerde said...

That is super crappy.

They should just give up and print the "prize" on the outside of the box. At least it would be more structurally sound (though could you put humpy bees on the outside of the package?).

Angie said...

Sometimes, i don't even open the prize anymore... because it's just depressing.

Those bee-flies are creepy as hell.